I was raised Catholic. I challenged it when I was in high school. More so to be defiant then to really challenge whether or not God existed or not. I used to torture my teachers (at the Catholic school no less) that I didn't believe in God, etc. I know...it was mean.
Going to Catholic school really made me dislike the whole "organized" religion aspect of religion so I stepped away and stopped going to church pretty much. Heck, Leo and I didn't even have a religious ceremony for our wedding and we were kind of upset that the lady officiating our wedding didn't respect our wishes and not say the "prayer" she wanted to.
However, after having Sweet Girl and looking back on all the things in our life that happened up until that point I did realize that there has to be something greater looking out for me. Everything always worked out for the best in most of our difficult situations and I'm sorry I believe in luck but it just has to be more than that because I am just not THAT lucky. Anyway, we tried going to a Methodist church while still in TN and it was a nice church and I liked it. BUT every time I went, I would sit there and be overcome with guilt and the feeling that I was betraying something. Obviously the Catholics had an impact with their messages. So now we had a dilemma. Leo did not want to attend Catholic church and really I didn't either, but I also didn't want to feel guilty about GOING to church. It just seemed wrong.
So I stopped looking and put it on hold and thought to myself: Well I believe and I'll have my own conversations with God and thank Him daily for all he has given me. And I have. But I think I really want to go to church.
I read the book The Purpose of Christmas on our flight back to AZ and it was a really great book. If you haven't read it, I would suggest it. It's a short quick read. I have a really hard time being able to understand how you can just turn over your life to God and all that your troubles, worries, etc will be better if you accept Jesus as your Savior. This started another dilemma in my head; if I can't do that or I'm not sure HOW to do that, does that mean I won't benefit? Is this an all or nothing thing? I can't believe it's all or nothing otherwise everyone that goes to church would all be nice and never mean and that surely doesn't happen. So I am now on my hunt again for a church that can help me achieve this or ate least get me as close as I can.
I have this issue with live music at a church. I found a couple around us that I thought looked like it would be a good place but they all have a full band and I don't know, that just doesn't' work for me.
So the search continues.
So sorry for my totally random post about this...
Grace, by any other name.
5 months ago