I actually hate getting up especially when I am all comfy in my bed and I can tell it's a little cloudy out because there is no sun streaming down the hallway. It just makes me want to stay in bed. It's not that I don't want to get up and start the day (although it's been that way in the past) it's usually I just want to enjoy being comfy just a little bit longer and get up when I am ready not when the alarm says I need to get up.
This morning was no different, I am usually up first on the weekdays because I get to work so early. I really should get up even earlier then I do because for the past few mornings I've been LEAVING when I'm supposed to be already at work. Most mornings the kids are not up yet so I go and visit them quietly in their room to get my one peek before I head off to work. I love to watch them sleep they are so cute and sometimes I just want to crawl in bed and hold them because really that would be better then going to work. However the difference this morning was both kids were AWAKE when I left. Awake and crying at the door and reaching for me to stay and hold them. And it was KILLING me. I hated it. I finally calmed Sweet Girl down and she was OK, but I basically had to peel her off of me so I could get to the door. They were fine after I left of course but that wasn't how I wanted to start my day. I didn't want morning image of them to be tear streaked faces saying 'hold me mommy', I wanted my morning image what it always was, them asleep peacefully in their bed.
Then it makes you wonder, am I doing the right thing by working full time and sending them to school? Did they act like that just because it was early and they didn't want to be up and about? Was it because they are not spending enough time with me? This has been my debate since Sweet Girl was born. Can you really have it all? I feel like I'm asking to have my cake and eat it too. And sometimes I think trying to achieve this causes more stress and unhappiness then just accepting things one way or another. I really honest and truly do not think I want to stay home full time, I do enjoy getting out and going to work. I enjoy being busy at work. And I really do think Sweet Girl and Little Man enjoy going to their school. I like that they are learning and getting social interaction with someone besides us, I do think it makes a difference. I try to limit their time there so they are never there longer then I am at work. I guess ultimately I would like them there even less. And besides the interaction for me, I enjoy the paycheck from working. It allows us so much more freedom to do things and buy things without worrying if it will break the bank. And I like this comfort and prefer that over the constant struggle of worrying about money. Not that I want my kids to be spoiled or buy them all the things their little hearts desire but more to provide a happy and content home where it's not filled with the tension and worry that comes with struggling with money. I don't want it to come accross like I am money obsessed because that is really not it. I guess I just don't want that struggle. I've been there done that and I really didn't enjoy it. I've done it as an adult and at certain times growin up.
Oh the joys of trying to do the right thing.
Grace, by any other name.
5 months ago